Ernie Uses His Bore-0-Meter
Ernie did not wonder why no one listened to what he said to them. He knew. He was a bore. How did he know? Through science.
Ernie invented the Bore-0-Meter to determine his boredom level. He wore it under his shirt, and listened to the results in an earpiece. It registered heart rate, mental activity and other factors. As he spoke about current events or a book he had read or the snails in his fish tank, heart rates slowed, mental activity dropped and eyes glazed.
He definitely bored people.
And he realized that the longer he spoke the more pronounced the effect. Experimenting, Ernie discovered he was so boring that if he talked long enough he sent people into a trance.
Initially the effect lasted for an hour. Then a day. Then weeks. With practice, permanently.
At first, Ernie simply made new friends. People listened to him, fascinated. Then they washed his dishes, did his laundry, shaved him. Then unearned promotions, raises, a new house.
He felt no guilt. He was using a natural talent. And he no longer bored anyone, although technically they were as dazed. Yet Ernie knew he was still boring. Indeed, probably more boring than ever. Yes, now he bored himself. Ironic, but Ernie lived with it.