Four Hits To Sink A Speedboat
Top Pentagon officials were distressed. It had become public knowledge that, during the new President’s war on drug smugglers, it had taken the Navy two hits to sink the first speedboat. Then it was made public it took the Navy four hits to sink the speedboat. Which apparently was not even headed towards the nation.
At first, no one noticed it took the Navy four hits to sink a speedboat. But eventually questions rose. For example, what if it had been an enemy destroyer? If it took four strikes to sink a speedboat, how many more would it take to sink an armored vessel—if at all? The Navy faced a serious problem!
The new President ordered an immediate investigation.
The first hit, which only damaged the boat, came from trained sea turtles carrying explosive mines. The second hit was from similarly trained seagulls carrying bombs, diving at the boat. That killed the survivors but did not sink the boat, so fighter jets became involved. The first missile did not arm, bouncing off the speedboat, so it took a second missile to blow the boat to bits (along with the remaining seagulls and turtles.)
The new President was outraged. He did not hunt and although he ate animals, he liked them. Seagulls should never be used as weapons, he told his officials, because they were a wonderful sight on beaches, begging for fries. And he liked sea turtles because they were funny and reminded him of his favourite candy. His military forces concentrated on better training and armaments for animals. Bison and bears were captured and trained, as were vultures (large explosives) and hummingbirds (tiny spy cameras.)
He awarded himself the Greatest Use Of Animals If Not Eating Them prize (which his subordinates suggested, in his honour.)