Presidential Halloween
For his first real Halloween in office, the new President had something special planned. It filled him with glee. First, Halloween night festivities, then his speech—at the end of which he would introduce his new Bible.
Halloween arrived. Candies were handed out, contaminated with smallpox. ICE agents went from door to door, arresting suspected illegal immigrants, children returning home with their candy bags to find their parents gone. Soldiers marched on city streets, shooting rubber bullets at anyone suspected of being anti-Halloween. People the President had fired for not being loyal enough received a trick when police arrived at their doors and arrested them. The solar and green energy industry also received a trick when all its grants were defunded and solar panels declared illegal. As did countries around the world, as tariffs against them went up.
The President appeared on national TV and made a speech celebrating his administration’s achievements while wearing a Halloween costume—a priest, holding a pitchfork. “Trick or treat!” he began with a huge smile. “You voted for a new kind of President,” he told the nation. “You rejected traditional politics. You elected someone outside the swamp who would change it all. And I’m doing just that.
“I said I’d work on trans rights and I have, by eliminating them. I like coal and gas, so I’m defunding all the green power silliness. And some vaccines probably do cause autism, so I’m stopping them all to be certain our children our safe. I’m afraid of science, frankly. It’s all too woke. That is why I’ve defunded research, from outer space satellites to health on Earth.
“And we are surrounded by enemies. Terrorists in speedboats smuggling drugs into our country. So I’m killing them. Our so-called allies have taken advantage of us since World War–was it One or Two?–so I’ve slapped tariffs against them. And if Russia wants to take over Europe, that’s history, isn’t it?”
The President concluded, “From now on, every day will be Halloween. We’ll all wear funny costumes, except for the military. I’ll have legislation passed making me President for life. Servers will still get breaks on tips because I like people who serve. And I am introducing tonight my new Trick or Treat Bible.” He held up a thick gold embossed book, with himself on the cover, brandishing a sword. “Pray using this Bible and you get the opposite!” And so it was that, for the nation, every day became a holiday.